As I write the closing year’s editor’s note, my right arm is wrapped in a fiberglass cast because I inadvertently injured my right wrist. In a skateboarding accident.
Yes, skateboarding.
Oh, don’t be so ageist. Just because I have come into an age group that can be generally rounded to forty. Just because the hair on my scalp does not regenerate as fast as I would like it too and just because I can watch pornographic material without seeking my parents’ approval, it doesn’t mean I’m old. It just means I’m regressing.
And for your information, I was skateboarding as part of a segment on my show (warning: shameless plug ahead), GMA News TV’s Best Men. I have done more shameless things on the show–like witnessing a manunuli take his instrument to a grown man’s foreskin and ballroom dancing in a body hugging sequined shirt that exposed my cleavage all the way down to my bellybutton–but this was the only segment to have caused me long-term physical harm.
Due to my condition, I will not be able to generate brand new drivel for you this month. So I hope you don’t mind if I peddle some regurgitated drivel by talking about a certain body part–damaged, fractured, abused, or otherwise–from my new book It Only Hurts When I Pee: RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Bodily Gases, Hair Loss and Pink Parts.
Warning: A lot of pink parts will be flashed in this issue.
Jingle Balls
According to fertility specialist Dr. Robert Winston, the size of a primate’s testicles can tell us a lot about a species’ sexual practices.
In the seventies, British biologist Roger Short noticed something peculiar about ape anatomy. He found that chimpanzees had extremely large four-ounce testicles that produced prodigious amounts of sperm (although I am trying not to imagine how he found out that chimps produce prodigious amounts of sperm). Mating among chimps is a fairly unregulated and casual affair especially since they are not being monitored by the MTRCB. In fact, there seems to be no awareness as to the paternity of any of their offspring.
On the other hand, silverback gorillas–the largest of the living primates that sport large canine teeth and have a growl fierce enough to make human testicles retract to the pit of their stomachs–have miniscule testicles. More miniscule than even those of some congressmen.
Unlike chimpanzees, silverback alpha males take possession of a harem of female gorillas. And silverbacks are secure in the knowledge the female gorillas will rarely sneak off for an illicit romp in the wilds (unless they encounter a very brave and randy male chimpanzee). Gorillas rarely have intercourse, because for males with a harem, sexual access is guaranteed. Therefore, Mr. “I Am King of the Apes” only needed a small amount of sperm and, consequently, a small payload. So, gorillas evolved testicles that were small but terrible.
Now, let us put things into perspective: gorillas weigh four times as much as chimps, but a chimp’s testicles weigh four times as much as a gorilla’s. What can we infer from this? Well, the biologist Roger Short appears to have stumbled, not on testicles, bur rather on anatomical clues about a species’ mating system: the bigger the balls, the more polygamous the females.
Human testicles tread the middle ground when it comes to primate testicles. Measured as a proportion of body weight, our human teabags are four times the size of a gorilla’s but less than a third of the size of a chimpanzee’s.
According to The Red Queen: Sex And The Evolution of Human Nature, ancestral man probably lived in a pseudo-harem system, but he was also prepared for occasional female promiscuity. Ancestral females copulated with more than one male in a month fairly often. Given this, human males evolved testicles potent enough to combat a moderate amount of sperm competition from other males, but they certainly didn’t need to stockpile enough artillery as required by chimpanzee gonads. If Goldilocks were a scientist, she would say that our testicles were just right.
And now that that’s out of the way, allow me to give you a lowdown on what to check out in this special year-end issue of UNO.
Radio DJ Angelika Schmeing-Cruz, more popularly known as Angelicopter to her avid listeners, graces our cover for the very first time and we couldn’t be happier. If you’ve been living under a rock, you might not have known that she’s also a castaway and now a dropout in this year’s Survivor Philippines (along with teammate Jackie Forster), proving to everybody that just because you’ve lost the battle, doesn’t mean you’ve lost dibs on a magazine cover. Who are we to complain anyway?
We have also listed down the highlights of our year in our exclusive BARRAGE section, while respected male personalities Paolo Bediones, Basti Artadi, Luke Landrigan, and Dylan Ababou rule our BLASTER pages as they reveal their own lists of favorites in 2011 pop culture. Other men we idolize–rockstar Bamboo Manalac, actor Baron Geisler, and world-renowned animator Ronnie del Carmen–share their thoughts about life and career in our POINTBLANK, INTERVIEW, and SHOCKWAVE sections, respectively. And finally, music legend Jose Mari Chan teaches us how to write the perfect Christmas song in this month’s AFTERBURNER.
You are all invited to the exhibit of Wiji Lacsamana and Yvette Tan called Strange Times on February 11, 2012 at the Pablo X located at 2289 Pasong Tamo Extension, UPRC III Building, Makati City. Wiji Lacsamana is a tattoo artist and freelance graphic illustrator and Yvette Tan is a multi-awarded Manila based horror writer.
UNO briefly caught up with former Senator Richard “Dick” Gordon, who’s been busying himself with the Philippine Red Cross, to discuss the group’s efforts in aiding the victims of typhoon Sendong. Known for supporting the men’s senior basketball team of ADMU (his alma mater) especially during the UAAP basketball season, Gordon confessed his lack of knowledge of football during the press conference, but expressed his openness to checking out the country’s other favorite sport, especially if it meant raising funds to help out the survivors of the typhoon, which hit major parts of Cagayan de Oro and Iligan. Read more…
Late last year, American alternative rock band Death Cab for Cutie announced that they will have a concert in Singapore on March of this year. So here I though they would pass by the opportunity to play here in Manila, but the music gods (and Warner Music Philippines) listened to every Filipino DCFC fans’ prayer so on March 5, 2012 Death Cab for Cutie will have a one night only concert at the NBC tent!
Philippine Men’s National Football Team, commonly known as Azkals, spent a night of fun, music and good food, in celebration of Christmas and a most brilliant year, with fans and supporters.
Pasay City, Metro Manila – On Tuesday, December 20, the Kaholeros, as the official booster squad of the Philippine National Football Teams, hosted the first Azkals Christmas Party at the SMDC Grand Showroom. The party, which was also graced by the coaching staff of the Azkals, the players of the Under-23 National Football Team (Junior Azkals), the players and coaching staff of the Women’s National Football Team (Malditas) and the officials of the Philippine Football Federation, was primarily organized so that the team may spend some time with fans outside of the football scene.
Kia Motors, the event’s main sponsor, gave commendation in the form of four brand new Kia Picantos to Azkals veterans Ian Araneta, Anton Del Rosario, Roel Gener and Ed Sacapano for their contribution to the team and to Philippine football in general.
The Kaholeros also gave out awards, which results were arrived at via online voting of its members. The winners were Nate Burkey and Lexton Moy (Social Service Award), Alexander “Aly” Borromeo (Fair Play Award), Stephan Schrock (Goal of the Year), Neil Etheridge (Save of the Year), and Emelio “Chieffy” Caligdong (Congeniality Award and Player of the Year).
In the midst of the celebration, the Kaholeros did not ignore the tragedy brought about by tropical storm Sendong; so they brought old clothes and blankets to be donated to the victims. LBC Express graciously picked them up from the venue.
Team Manager Dan Palami, not forgetting the crucial role they play in the success of the team on and off the field, raffled off a few prizes exclusively for the members of the Kaholeros, to the surprise and utter delight of all attendees. He capped the night off with a message of thanks to everyone who has supported and has been instrumental in the promotion of the game in the country. He promised that 2012 will be a bigger year for football in the Philippines.
Secret Fresh’s year opener for 2012 is an exhibit of poster art created by Manila’s top and up and coming graphic designers and artists who also venture into illustration. The show opening this January 8 Sunday at 6 PM is entitled AGIT POP! Post-Its To The Post Apocalypse and showcases their poster designs which imagines them as message boards to a future world promising utopic visions in the aftermath of an imagined anticipated holocaust as prodded by the much Mayan calendar footnoting of the year 2012. Reversing the doomdsday prophesies, the posters present instead a possibility beyond such eventuality, speculating on the premise of a promised renewed world or the unfulfillment of such in a rather dystopia.
The line up of artists for this show is composed of JP Cuison, Dina Gadia, D.O.T. , Folk Superlative, Electrolychee, 27 + 20, Dee Grayson, AJ Dimarucot, Paulo Reyes, Russell Vergara, Wes Valenzuela, Mimi Tecson, A.lien, Dang Sering, Jackie Millonado and Jay Mitra.
The show runs from January 8 Sunday at 6PM at the Secret Fresh Gallery, Ronac Art Center, Ortigas Avenue, Greenhills, San Juan, and ends on the 27th of the month.
Stay tuned for more information about Secret Fresh’s events this January.
Dorothy said it best. There’s no place like home. No farmhouses on this list though. What we do have is a list of fabulous, mind blowing, out of this world abodes whose moving staircases, time travel abilities, poles you slide down off of, and over all coolness that make you wonder why the people who live in them bother to go out at all. Read more…
The popular image of Gregorio Honasan, the rebel soldier always on the run known as “Gringo,” continues to endure even if the man himself, now a statesman and senator of the Republic, is already keen to put that legacy firmly into perspective Read more…
From meeting this season’s predicted MVP to witnessing how both teams worked hard for the sought-after title (not to mention, one year’s worth of bragging rights), the 2011 NBA All-Star Weekend last February was everything a basketball fan could have ever wished for
A kid in a candy store, that’s what it felt like for a hoop junkie like me when I flew to Los Angeles in February to cover the NBA All-Star Weekend. NBA’s mid-season classic happened during the weekend in between the Grammy Awards and the Oscars, in what turned out to be a busy month in the City of Angels. Despite all the musical acts and films coming together for their respective shindigs, it seemed as if the town had never been this focused on the star-studded basketball affair in a long time. This was evident upon our arrival in LAX. NBA banners greeted us everywhere, from the pillars to the street lamps—pictures of Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, Lebron James, and other basketball stars covered the streets of L.A.
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