Rocky Balboa: Yes We Can!

Posted by Jayvee at April 7th, 2009

A Tribute to a Great American Hero

Ushered in by Obama becoming the U.S.A.’s 44th President, the present era has been touted as one for heroes. To be specific, American ones. But before anything else, we look back and pay tribute to one of their greatest champions, whose body of work has brought us all together to celebrate one man beating the shit out of another. Not to mention very short shorts for heterosexual men.

Best Inspirational Speech:
Rocky Balboa. Funnily enough my favorite inspirational speech comes from a character that was in all the movies yet hardly plays a significant role—it’s Duke, Apollo Creed’s former manager, played by Tony Burton. By this time Rocky is once again the underdog, a total has-been who is almost a joke to his fans and the generation of boxers he inspired. He is facing his mortality, his old age, and his uselessness. He decides to go against current heavyweight champ Mason Dixon, and everyone expects him to go down early in the fight. Before he begins training, Duke tells him how it’s gonna be done —

” You know all there is to know about fighting, so there’s no sense us going down that same old road again. To beat this guy, you need speed – you don’t have it. And your knees can’t take the pounding, so hard running is out. And you got arthritis in your neck, and you’ve got calcium deposits on most of your joints, so sparring is out. So, what we’ll be calling on is good ol’ fashion blunt force trauma. Horsepower. Heavy-duty, cast-iron, piledriving punches that will have to hurt so much they’ll rattle his ancestors. Every time you hit him with a shot, it’s gotta feel like he tried kissing the express train. Yeah! Let’s start building some hurtin’ bombs! ”

HURTIN’ BOMBS, man! I started crying in the theater, my inner manchild going wild and giving a standing ovation. Oh wait. I remember now that we were only four people in the theater. I did give a standing ovation.

Best Contender:
Clubber Lang. The most terrifying of all of Rocky’s opponents is also one of his most sympathetic. His steel-willed determination and single-mindedness sets him apart for being both impressive and flawed. Plus, when asked by a reporter what his prediction for the fight is, Lang turns to the camera, glowers and says, “Pain.” (Also, it’s in this movie where we hear for the first time Mr. T blurting out, “I pity the fool!” A new generation listens, shudders and takes notes.)

Best Mentor:
Apollo Creed. I think every Rocky fan has a soft spot for Mickey, brilliantly played by Burgess Meredith. Truth is, though, Mickey was always a bit too old and cranky to really be effective. And besides, you could hardly understand what he was saying half of the time. There’s a certain romance in having your former nemesis become your trainer, and Stallone and Weathers played off each other with such rapport and… chemistry (see Best Training Montage).

Most Romantic Scene:
Almost every fan will probably tell you that it’s the ending of Rocky, when the tie is announced and Rocky begins shouting the now-classic “ADRIAAAAAAAAAN!” then plowing through the crowd for his ladylove. It must be said, however, that that scene wouldn’t mean a thing were it not for the beautiful first date between Rocky and Adrian, where he runs beside Adrian in the ice skating rink as she skates, explaining what a southpaw is and telling her the story of how he started becoming a fighter. It’s actually one of the sweetest scenes in cinematic history.

Best Training Montage:
It’s a tie between Rocky and Rocky III. Rocky, of course, has THE training montage prototype, with its now-iconic images of Rocky punching slabs of raw meat in a meat locker, running up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art (now more popularly known as “the Rocky steps” and featuring a sculpture of Rocky Balboa that was also used in later films). That having been said, Rocky III is where Stallone perfects the training montage, inserting every single cliché possible including 1) running along the beach in silhouette 2) trainer telling Rocky off 3) wife watching with support 4) comedic moments with Paulie and 4) build-up of mastery of the speedball and the jump rope through inter-cutting. Most importantly, what should be noted with the Rocky III montage is the insane amount of homosexual tension between Rocky and Apollo, which totally explodes during the final seconds of the sequence as the two of them, both oiled up in their physical prime and wearing knee-high socks and short shorts, start holding each other, jumping and splashing around in the beach. In slow motion.

Best Fight:
Rocky III. Your manager and best friend is dead. The public has lost their love for you. You’ve lost your hard-earned heavyweight championship to someone who laughs in your face and calls you a coward. And then you decide to fight back. You take your greatest nemesis and have him teach you how to play the game. You turn your back on fame and fortune and go back to the streets where you belong.
“Now, when we fought, you had that eye of the tiger, man; the edge! And now you gotta get it back, and the way to get it back is to go back to the beginning. You know what I mean? ”

There is nothing more satisfying than getting up and killing the other motherfucker. Nothing.

Worst Fight:
Also in Rocky III, where Balboa squares off against Thunderlips, played by Hulk Hogan. I don’t even know why they found this scene necessary.

Most Underrated Rocky Film:
Rocky V, which most people claim killed the franchise. I disagree. This installment of the series not only marks director John Avildsen’s reunion with Rocky it also sees Balboa return to his roots in the tough streets of Philadelphia. Things are kind of strained between Rocky and his son, and the champ can no longer fight because of brain damage from his bout with Drago. Rocky then takes tough-as-nails Tommy Gunn after his wing, maybe because the young fighter reminds Rocky of himself. Despite the drive and hunger, the kid’s not also possessed of a golden heart, though, and turns into a ferocious ingrate. The crowning moment of the film is the final fight, which doesn’t take place amidst the crowds and flashing lights of Madison Garden but in the back-streets of Philly, where Rocky and Tommy go at it mano a mano without the intervention of bells, gloves or a referee. There is also an extra special ingredient for the film, and it is the soundtrack—a hip-hop extravaganza featuring songs like “Keep It Up” by Snap and “That’s What I Said” by MC Hammer, along with a 7A3 update of Rocky’s “Take You Back (Home Sweet Home”) that is both reminiscent of the time it was released and reflective of the Philadelphia ghetto the film is set in.

Worst Rocky Film:
Rocky IV. I’d like to say that this is the worst because of its uber-patriotic, simplistic view of America vs. Russia during the height of the cold war. The former USSR is portrayed here mostly as cold, calculating, tech-crazy and heartless. This is especially evident in the almost ridiculous training montage, where Dolph Lundgren’s Ivan Drago, connected to various devices, does things like run on a futuristic treadmill with scientists studying his stats on computers (complete with smoke effect and lens-flares), while Rocky carries logs, runs in the snow, and actually crawls in the snow pulling an ox plow! However, the truth is that this film sucks mainly because the Balboas have a robot that rolls around making jokes and serving things in the household. A FUCKING ROBOT.

Best Rocky Film:
Rocky, which is the quintessential underdog movie of all time. It’s not particularly well written, nor is it fantastically directed, but after watching the film, the characters Stallone created while locked in his apartment for 3 days — the hungry and charismatic champion Apollo Creed, the bitter and cynical coach Mickey Goldmill, the shy and fearful Adrian Pennino, and the man who opens her heart and teaches her love, Rocky Balboa– will feel like friends. The first Rocky wasn’t really about boxing, it was about how a nobody with a heart of gold could make something of himself and turn his life around. And, cheesy as it may be, we all need something like that sometimes.

Article by Quark Henares, originally appearing in UNO Magazine’s March 2009 issue.